If We Could Talk to the Taliban

By Henry Srebrnik

The 1967 musical “Doctor Dolittle” is the story of a doctor who learns from his pet parrot to talk to animals. The film starred Rex Harrison, Samantha Eggar, Anthony Newley and Richard Attenborough, and the song “Talk to the Animals” was performed in the film by Harrison.

Here are the first two stanzas, and the last, of the movie’s song:

If I could talk to the animals, just imagine it,

Chattin’ with a chimp in chimpanzee,

Imagine talking to a tiger, chatting with a cheetah,

What a neat achievement it would be!

If we could talk to the animals, learn all their languages,

I could take an animal degree,

I’d study elephant and eagle, buffalo and beagle,

Alligator, guinea pig, and flea!

If we could talk to the animals, learn their languages

Think of all the things we could discuss

If we could walk with the animals, talk with the animals,

Grunt and squeak and squawk with the animals,

And they could squeak and squawk and speak and talk to us.

Using the same tune, I’d like to introduce a song which might interest, among others, Barack Obama and Stephen Harper. It’s called “Talk to the Taliban.”

If I could talk to the Taliban, just imagine it,

Chattin’ with a Pashtun in Pashto

Imagine talking to an Afghan, chatting with a Chechen

What a neat achievement that would be!

If we could talk to the Taliban, learn what’s on their minds,

Some resolution just might be at hand.

We’d study history and culture, politics and nurture,

We’d speak to Mullah Omar and perhaps we’d see!

If we could talk to the Taliban, learn their languages,

Think of all the things we could discuss.

If we could walk with the Taliban, talk with the Taliban,

Negotiate a deal with the Taliban,

We might just leave Afghanistan!

Henry Srebrnik, a professor of political studies at UPEI, fancies himself a poet, but isn’t certain he actually subscribes to the views expressed in this parody.