Bobby MacDonald is a third year journalism student at UPEI. He is the copy editor of The Semantic, which means he will eventually pull out every one of his beautiful long, blonde hairs. What a shame, what a shame.
Bobby has worked for The Guardian since graduating from the Holland College journalism program. He is a snappy dresser, and has a penchant for puns, and grammar.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
la la
Kate McKenna is a third year political science and philosophy student. She has no qualifications to edit a newspaper whatsoever, but she tries damn hard!
Kate likes writing, but moreso, she likes telling people what to do.
She has been published in several grown up anthologies, the Ottawa Citizen, and helped edit a small text for the University of Ottawa (that is yet to be released.) She can't figure out why they always pick the work she likes least. She is also the editor of fiction in a small magazine out of Montreal, entitled Jump. She has a daunting internet presence, so she is available for contact: kemckenna at upei.ca
Kate likes writing, but moreso, she likes telling people what to do.
She has been published in several grown up anthologies, the Ottawa Citizen, and helped edit a small text for the University of Ottawa (that is yet to be released.) She can't figure out why they always pick the work she likes least. She is also the editor of fiction in a small magazine out of Montreal, entitled Jump. She has a daunting internet presence, so she is available for contact: kemckenna at upei.ca
Fiction
A BAD KING:
A Dark Tale of Redemption versus Fatalism
By Lochlan DORRELL, age three
(As told to Casey DORRELL)
A Bad King is going to bash a sidewalk.
The sidewalk falls apart. The bad king goes home.
He plays and stuff.
The King goes back and there wasn't a sidewalk.
The people can't walk so they walk on the road.
The king goes back again and he fixes up the sidewalk.
The people say "thank you".
Then a pirate comes. The pirate is bad.
He bashes the sidewalk. He doesn't fix it.
The people can't walk so they walk on the road.
A car drives over the people.
The End.
By Lochlan DORRELL, age three
(As told to Casey DORRELL)
A Bad King is going to bash a sidewalk.
The sidewalk falls apart. The bad king goes home.
He plays and stuff.
The King goes back and there wasn't a sidewalk.
The people can't walk so they walk on the road.
The king goes back again and he fixes up the sidewalk.
The people say "thank you".
Then a pirate comes. The pirate is bad.
He bashes the sidewalk. He doesn't fix it.
The people can't walk so they walk on the road.
A car drives over the people.
The End.
43 Things to Do Before Getting Kicked out of UPEI
Originally a list of 100, then 50, this list showcases the traditional work ethic at The Semantic.
by Kate McKENNA
1. Give Wade MacLaughlin a big ol' kiss.
2. Go drinking at the Wave. Break into the library through the roof immediately thereafter - this is surprisingly easy (or so I'm told. ...Just joking! ha! ha!)
3. Live in Browns.
4. Complain, loudly, about living in Browns.
5. Get evicted from Browns; say it was your roommates fault. He/she never did the dishes, either.
6. Do NSO, get free stuff.
7. Run for SU president - worth it if only to plaster the big window of the Murphy centre with your name.
8. Do an international exchange.
9. Run for president while on an international exchange.
10.If you are an engineering student, spend your life in the library yet somehow, inexplicably, gain a reputation for drinking all the time.
11. If you are a nursing student, worry not, the engineers will buy you drinks.
12. If you are an arts student, study really hard for the last three weeks of classes. For the first two months, well, a bunch of us are playing Civilization IV in the computer lounge if you want to join...
13. If you are a science student, well, um, that's cool. The window is to the right of the stairs, if you need it.
14. Throw something at that guy in your class who just can't stop talking. Your heroic action will likely be met by applause**.
15. Donate to Shinerama, 'cause if you don't, you'll be in a minority.*
16. Before exams, wear pyjamas to class.
17. To exams, wear only undies. Everyone's doing it, especially fourth year, attractive, male, poli sci majors. Don't be left out!
18. Streak across campus. Make a facebook group about it.
19. ...On a side note, search 'If only 1000 people join, Kate will snort a line of cocaine off each of her final exams.' and JOIN THAT SHIT.
20. Run through the Murphy centre screaming "HOLY FUCK, Nickelback are out-fucking-side!" Have several friends nearby to taunt anyone who gets excited.
21. Save the posters of those running for SU. Make sure you put them up DURING the election so that they get disqualified and shenanigans ensue.
22. Pull a Banksy and change all the signs around the university... to Korean.
23. Take a course with Malcolm Murray - this isn't intended to be funny, he just rules.
24. Join SU, or complain about the SU. This is not a false dichotomy.
25. Go to the Wave, if only to pick up.
26. Go to the library, if only to pick up.
27. Start petitions, raise awareness for important UPEI issues. For example, Mickey's is only open till like, 4, and often, I need coffees after 4.
28. Mourn the lack of good-looking TAs. Petition to open grad schools here.
29. Creatively conspire with your friends sweet stories to tell your 'off-island' friends about how swell UPEI is when they get home for holidays. Boy, will they be sorry!
30. Eat your parents' free food for as long as possible. Independence is fine, sure, but moms sure make sweet suppers. And they usually aren't made of toast, or Kraft dinner.
31. Write for the Cadre, or at least say you're going to write for the Cadre... there's no discernible difference. (ha ha! Just joking! Lucas, let's be friends!)
32. Write a Global Issues paper on the Essentiality of English 101. Write it really poorly.***
33. Get to your classroom a half hour before class. Rig the projector so that when it's turned on, Rock Band is being projected. Conveniently have all the instruments on hand. It helps to know your professors favorite band.
34. Go the the VU once.
35. I said once.
36. Woo your lover with songs specific to his or her major, such as, 'My Love for you is Greater than Jean Chretien’s First Majority Government’ or, ‘I Love You So Much that it Induces Nausea, but Not the Sartre Kind’.
37. If not of the athletic persuasion, at least use your gym pass to play ping pong between classes.
38. NURSES: During clinical, place a live goldfish in one of the IV bags.
39.Fix the vending machine in the basement of Main, please. Anyone. This is really important.
40.Go to Children’s lit dressed up as one of the characters you’re studying.
41. Give Justin Douglas a hug.
42. Go to the internet, find a picture of your prof. Print off a mask of their face for everyone in your class. Wear it every day until the end of semester.
43. Recreate the menstrual turkey scene from Eraserhead every day in the cafeteria. Get a friend to have the fake orgasms.
*The Semantic does not discriminate against minorities, we promise! We have all sorts of friends who are and stuff! . . .But give money to cystic fibrosis, or at least to Patrick Callbeck, 'cause he is a hottie.
** Unless you throw shit at your prof, which would likely be hilarious, but probably not met by applause.
*** This does not reflect the view of The Semantic, though it certainly is the view of the editor-in-chief.
by Kate McKENNA
1. Give Wade MacLaughlin a big ol' kiss.
2. Go drinking at the Wave. Break into the library through the roof immediately thereafter - this is surprisingly easy (or so I'm told. ...Just joking! ha! ha!)
3. Live in Browns.
4. Complain, loudly, about living in Browns.
5. Get evicted from Browns; say it was your roommates fault. He/she never did the dishes, either.
6. Do NSO, get free stuff.
7. Run for SU president - worth it if only to plaster the big window of the Murphy centre with your name.
8. Do an international exchange.
9. Run for president while on an international exchange.
10.If you are an engineering student, spend your life in the library yet somehow, inexplicably, gain a reputation for drinking all the time.
11. If you are a nursing student, worry not, the engineers will buy you drinks.
12. If you are an arts student, study really hard for the last three weeks of classes. For the first two months, well, a bunch of us are playing Civilization IV in the computer lounge if you want to join...
13. If you are a science student, well, um, that's cool. The window is to the right of the stairs, if you need it.
14. Throw something at that guy in your class who just can't stop talking. Your heroic action will likely be met by applause**.
15. Donate to Shinerama, 'cause if you don't, you'll be in a minority.*
16. Before exams, wear pyjamas to class.
17. To exams, wear only undies. Everyone's doing it, especially fourth year, attractive, male, poli sci majors. Don't be left out!
18. Streak across campus. Make a facebook group about it.
19. ...On a side note, search 'If only 1000 people join, Kate will snort a line of cocaine off each of her final exams.' and JOIN THAT SHIT.
20. Run through the Murphy centre screaming "HOLY FUCK, Nickelback are out-fucking-side!" Have several friends nearby to taunt anyone who gets excited.
21. Save the posters of those running for SU. Make sure you put them up DURING the election so that they get disqualified and shenanigans ensue.
22. Pull a Banksy and change all the signs around the university... to Korean.
23. Take a course with Malcolm Murray - this isn't intended to be funny, he just rules.
24. Join SU, or complain about the SU. This is not a false dichotomy.
25. Go to the Wave, if only to pick up.
26. Go to the library, if only to pick up.
27. Start petitions, raise awareness for important UPEI issues. For example, Mickey's is only open till like, 4, and often, I need coffees after 4.
28. Mourn the lack of good-looking TAs. Petition to open grad schools here.
29. Creatively conspire with your friends sweet stories to tell your 'off-island' friends about how swell UPEI is when they get home for holidays. Boy, will they be sorry!
30. Eat your parents' free food for as long as possible. Independence is fine, sure, but moms sure make sweet suppers. And they usually aren't made of toast, or Kraft dinner.
31. Write for the Cadre, or at least say you're going to write for the Cadre... there's no discernible difference. (ha ha! Just joking! Lucas, let's be friends!)
32. Write a Global Issues paper on the Essentiality of English 101. Write it really poorly.***
33. Get to your classroom a half hour before class. Rig the projector so that when it's turned on, Rock Band is being projected. Conveniently have all the instruments on hand. It helps to know your professors favorite band.
34. Go the the VU once.
35. I said once.
36. Woo your lover with songs specific to his or her major, such as, 'My Love for you is Greater than Jean Chretien’s First Majority Government’ or, ‘I Love You So Much that it Induces Nausea, but Not the Sartre Kind’.
37. If not of the athletic persuasion, at least use your gym pass to play ping pong between classes.
38. NURSES: During clinical, place a live goldfish in one of the IV bags.
39.Fix the vending machine in the basement of Main, please. Anyone. This is really important.
40.Go to Children’s lit dressed up as one of the characters you’re studying.
41. Give Justin Douglas a hug.
42. Go to the internet, find a picture of your prof. Print off a mask of their face for everyone in your class. Wear it every day until the end of semester.
43. Recreate the menstrual turkey scene from Eraserhead every day in the cafeteria. Get a friend to have the fake orgasms.
*The Semantic does not discriminate against minorities, we promise! We have all sorts of friends who are and stuff! . . .But give money to cystic fibrosis, or at least to Patrick Callbeck, 'cause he is a hottie.
** Unless you throw shit at your prof, which would likely be hilarious, but probably not met by applause.
*** This does not reflect the view of The Semantic, though it certainly is the view of the editor-in-chief.
UIGG:
An exercise in Deli Meat, 4Chan, and Metal Debauchery
In an exclusive interview with The Semantic, local metal band divulges motives, inspirations, and bad habits.
Dani Dowling: Everyone get in here!
(TrevorQ, Chris Doucette, Ryan Hale, and Craig St. Jean push each other, fighting for optimal position on the couch)
The Semantic: Anything you guys would like to say before we get started?
TrevorQ: Yeah, i got something to say. Don't you think this paper/print format is obsolete? I don't know why we're wasting our time with something that's ALREADY obsolete.
Dani: He's a little chippy today.
The Semantic: So what's the title of the upcoming album? I don't think it's been mentioned yet. Care to give us the exclusive?
Craig: It's gonna be called "Donairs and Beers". Strip away the pretense-- fuck it. We like donairs and beers.
Ryan: We just wanted to give credit to our influences.
Dani: That's TOTALLY true, but it hints at a much larger theme lying just below the surface. You see, we live in a society where consumption and over stimulation pollute our minds on a daily basis to the point where no one can take pleasure in the “little things” anymore. No one wants to enjoy a beer anymore; they want to see some guy on youtube smashing it over his friends head while listening to My Chemical Romance. I blame the internet 100% for all of the world’s problems.
Craig: We're nothing if not succinct.
The Semantic: What's the songwriting process like for you guys?
TrevorQ: Let's not kid ourselves, it mostly all comes from me. I really think that collaboration is becoming obsolete, and so my single-handed approach is far more modern.
Ryan: I like his mom's singlehanded approach:
Douce: ... (smirks, then continues to smoke silently)
Craig: Seriously though, Douce brings in some sweet shredding tunes too. But yeah, individual songs are mostly written by either guitar player, and then we develop them as we jam. Usually most of our time gets spent thinking up retarded names for the riffs, though.
Dani: I guess they don't want to admit it, but the way we really operate is this: I bring some lyrics to Craig, and say something like "dude, I want you to read these lyrics, and write drum parts that reflect the deeper societal issues at play here." And most of the time the issues are too deep for Craig to fully grasp, and that's part of the reason he fucks up at least one or two songs during any given live set. But yeah, whatever drum part he comes up with then gets put alongside guitar parts that both Douce and Q come up with individually after I show them my lyrics. I guess it stands as testament to the strength of my message that these guys independently come up with parts that, for the most, tend to work perfectly well together.
The Semantic: What's the biggest misconception about Uigg?
Craig: That we don't do the stuff you think we do. Oh, we do it.
Douce: …(begins rolling another smoke)
Ryan: All of it.
TrevorQ: Well maybe not all of it
Ryan: Definitely ALL of it.
The Semantic: While I was sitting in with a couple of the other journo's during the listening session, I couldn't help but notice a preponderance of imperfections in the recording. Care to explain this?
Dani: See the problem is not the imperfections, but the fact that people don’t seem to understand where something stops being a recorded collaboration of like-minded musicians, and starts being a chef-d'oeuvre. The album sounds exactly the way it needs to, to properly reflect the underlying themes associated with the music we create. We’re not dealing with lollipops and unicorns here, this is some heavy stuff. It’s not the local “metalcore” band’s off key crooning about summers long past and unrequited love. The subject matter is far from perfect so why should the production and recording be pristine? This is not the latest Avril Lavigne or dare I say, Lil’ Jon Record so why should it sound like we recorded with a million dollar budget in some studio in LA or Toronto with leather sofas and girl that brings you Fiji water with a lemon wedge in it? We did everything we could to make the recording process as hard as possible for the band because we knew that the end product would be something that we had slaved over and the sound of the album would reflect that. One of the dominant themes on the album is self-destruction, which is a messy, imperfect process. So, the sound and performances on the album reflect that.
The Semantic: Brilliant. Any final words?
Craig: I want to thank you for not asking us about THAT THING we pre-agreed you wouldn't ask us about.
* Uigg will be releasing their first full length album this fall. In the meantime, keep an eye on http://www.myspace.com/uigg for updates and new music.*
In an exclusive interview with The Semantic, local metal band divulges motives, inspirations, and bad habits.
Dani Dowling: Everyone get in here!
(TrevorQ, Chris Doucette, Ryan Hale, and Craig St. Jean push each other, fighting for optimal position on the couch)
The Semantic: Anything you guys would like to say before we get started?
TrevorQ: Yeah, i got something to say. Don't you think this paper/print format is obsolete? I don't know why we're wasting our time with something that's ALREADY obsolete.
Dani: He's a little chippy today.
The Semantic: So what's the title of the upcoming album? I don't think it's been mentioned yet. Care to give us the exclusive?
Craig: It's gonna be called "Donairs and Beers". Strip away the pretense-- fuck it. We like donairs and beers.
Ryan: We just wanted to give credit to our influences.
Dani: That's TOTALLY true, but it hints at a much larger theme lying just below the surface. You see, we live in a society where consumption and over stimulation pollute our minds on a daily basis to the point where no one can take pleasure in the “little things” anymore. No one wants to enjoy a beer anymore; they want to see some guy on youtube smashing it over his friends head while listening to My Chemical Romance. I blame the internet 100% for all of the world’s problems.
Craig: We're nothing if not succinct.
The Semantic: What's the songwriting process like for you guys?
TrevorQ: Let's not kid ourselves, it mostly all comes from me. I really think that collaboration is becoming obsolete, and so my single-handed approach is far more modern.
Ryan: I like his mom's singlehanded approach:
Douce: ... (smirks, then continues to smoke silently)
Craig: Seriously though, Douce brings in some sweet shredding tunes too. But yeah, individual songs are mostly written by either guitar player, and then we develop them as we jam. Usually most of our time gets spent thinking up retarded names for the riffs, though.
Dani: I guess they don't want to admit it, but the way we really operate is this: I bring some lyrics to Craig, and say something like "dude, I want you to read these lyrics, and write drum parts that reflect the deeper societal issues at play here." And most of the time the issues are too deep for Craig to fully grasp, and that's part of the reason he fucks up at least one or two songs during any given live set. But yeah, whatever drum part he comes up with then gets put alongside guitar parts that both Douce and Q come up with individually after I show them my lyrics. I guess it stands as testament to the strength of my message that these guys independently come up with parts that, for the most, tend to work perfectly well together.
The Semantic: What's the biggest misconception about Uigg?
Craig: That we don't do the stuff you think we do. Oh, we do it.
Douce: …(begins rolling another smoke)
Ryan: All of it.
TrevorQ: Well maybe not all of it
Ryan: Definitely ALL of it.
The Semantic: While I was sitting in with a couple of the other journo's during the listening session, I couldn't help but notice a preponderance of imperfections in the recording. Care to explain this?
Dani: See the problem is not the imperfections, but the fact that people don’t seem to understand where something stops being a recorded collaboration of like-minded musicians, and starts being a chef-d'oeuvre. The album sounds exactly the way it needs to, to properly reflect the underlying themes associated with the music we create. We’re not dealing with lollipops and unicorns here, this is some heavy stuff. It’s not the local “metalcore” band’s off key crooning about summers long past and unrequited love. The subject matter is far from perfect so why should the production and recording be pristine? This is not the latest Avril Lavigne or dare I say, Lil’ Jon Record so why should it sound like we recorded with a million dollar budget in some studio in LA or Toronto with leather sofas and girl that brings you Fiji water with a lemon wedge in it? We did everything we could to make the recording process as hard as possible for the band because we knew that the end product would be something that we had slaved over and the sound of the album would reflect that. One of the dominant themes on the album is self-destruction, which is a messy, imperfect process. So, the sound and performances on the album reflect that.
The Semantic: Brilliant. Any final words?
Craig: I want to thank you for not asking us about THAT THING we pre-agreed you wouldn't ask us about.
* Uigg will be releasing their first full length album this fall. In the meantime, keep an eye on http://www.myspace.com/uigg for updates and new music.*
Sunday, September 14, 2008
43 Things to Do Before Getting Kicked out of UPEI
By Kate McKENNA
1. Give Wade MacLaughlin a big ol' kiss.
2. Go drinking at the Wave. Break into the library through the roof immediately thereafter - this is surprisingly easy (or so I'm told. ...Just joking! ha! ha!)
3. Live in Browns.
4. Complain, loudly, about living in Browns.
5. Get evicted from Browns; say it was your roommates fault. He/she never did the dishes, either.
6. Do NSO, get free stuff.
7. Run for SU president - worth it if only to plaster the big window of the Murphy centre with your name.
8. Do an international exchange.
9. Run for president while on an international exchange.
10.If you are an engineering student, spend your life in the library yet somehow, inexplicably, gain a reputation for drinking all the time.
11. If you are a nursing student, worry not, the engineers will buy you drinks.
12. If you are an arts student, study really hard for the last three weeks of classes. For the first two months, well, a bunch of us are playing Civilization IV in the computer lounge if you want to join...
13. If you are a science student, well, um, that's cool. The window is to the right of the stairs, if you need it.
14. Throw something at that guy in your class who just can't stop talking. Your heroic action will likely be met by applause**.
15. Donate to Shinerama, 'cause if you don't, you'll be in a minority.*
16. Before exams, wear pyjamas to class.
17. To exams, wear only undies. Everyone's doing it, especially fourth year, attractive, male, poli sci majors. Don't be left out!
18. Streak across campus. Make a facebook group about it.
19. ...On a side note, search 'If only 1000 people join, Kate will snort a line of cocaine off each of her final exams.' and JOIN THAT SHIT.
20. Run through the Murphy centre screaming "HOLY FUCK, Nickelback are out-fucking-side!" Have several friends nearby to taunt anyone who gets excited.
21. Save the posters of those running for SU. Make sure you put them up DURING the election so that they get disqualified and shenanigans ensue.
22. Pull a Banksy and change all the signs around the university... to Korean.
23. Take a course with Malcolm Murray - this isn't intended to be funny, he just rules.
24. Join SU, or complain about the SU. This is not a false dichotomy.
25. Go to the Wave, if only to pick up.
26. Go to the library, if only to pick up.
27. Start petitions, raise awareness for important UPEI issues. For example, Mickey's is only open till like, 4, and often, I need coffees after 4.
28. Mourn the lack of good-looking TAs. Petition to open grad schools here.
29. Creatively conspire with your friends sweet stories to tell your 'off-island' friends about how swell UPEI is when they get home for holidays. Boy, will they be sorry!
30. Eat your parents' free food for as long as possible. Independence is fine, sure, but moms sure make sweet suppers. And they usually aren't made of toast, or Kraft dinner.
31. Write for the Cadre, or at least say you're going to write for the Cadre... there's no discernible difference. (ha ha! Just joking! Lucus, let's be friends!)
32. Write a Global Issues paper on the Essentiality of English 101. Write it really poorly.***
33. Get to your classroom a half hour before class. Rig the projector so that when it's turned on, Rock Band is being projected. Conveniently have all the instruments on hand. It helps to know your professors favorite band.
34. Go the the VU once.
35. I said once.
36. Woo your lover with songs specific to his or her major, such as, 'My Love for you is Greater than Jean Chretien’s First Majority Government’ or, ‘I Love You So Much that it Induces Nausea, but Not the Sartre Kind’.
37. If not of the athletic persuasion, at least use your gym pass to play ping pong between classes.
38. NURSES: During clinical, place a live goldfish in one of the IV bags.
39.Fix the vending machine in the basement of Main, please. Anyone. This is really important.
40.Go to Children’s lit dressed up as one of the characters you’re studying.
41. Give Justin Douglas a hug.
42. Go to the internet, find a picture of your prof. Print off a mask of their face for everyone in your class. Wear it every day until the end of semester.
43. Recreate the menstrual turkey scene from Eraserhead every day in the cafeteria. Get a friend to have the fake orgasms.
*The Semantic does not discriminate against minorities, we promise! We have all sorts of friends who are and stuff! . . .But give money to cystic fibrosis, or at least to Patrick Callbeck, 'cause he is a hottie.
** Unless you throw shit at your prof, which would likely be hilarious, but probably not met by applause.
*** This does not reflect the view of The Semantic, though it certainly is the view of the editor-in-chief.
1. Give Wade MacLaughlin a big ol' kiss.
2. Go drinking at the Wave. Break into the library through the roof immediately thereafter - this is surprisingly easy (or so I'm told. ...Just joking! ha! ha!)
3. Live in Browns.
4. Complain, loudly, about living in Browns.
5. Get evicted from Browns; say it was your roommates fault. He/she never did the dishes, either.
6. Do NSO, get free stuff.
7. Run for SU president - worth it if only to plaster the big window of the Murphy centre with your name.
8. Do an international exchange.
9. Run for president while on an international exchange.
10.If you are an engineering student, spend your life in the library yet somehow, inexplicably, gain a reputation for drinking all the time.
11. If you are a nursing student, worry not, the engineers will buy you drinks.
12. If you are an arts student, study really hard for the last three weeks of classes. For the first two months, well, a bunch of us are playing Civilization IV in the computer lounge if you want to join...
13. If you are a science student, well, um, that's cool. The window is to the right of the stairs, if you need it.
14. Throw something at that guy in your class who just can't stop talking. Your heroic action will likely be met by applause**.
15. Donate to Shinerama, 'cause if you don't, you'll be in a minority.*
16. Before exams, wear pyjamas to class.
17. To exams, wear only undies. Everyone's doing it, especially fourth year, attractive, male, poli sci majors. Don't be left out!
18. Streak across campus. Make a facebook group about it.
19. ...On a side note, search 'If only 1000 people join, Kate will snort a line of cocaine off each of her final exams.' and JOIN THAT SHIT.
20. Run through the Murphy centre screaming "HOLY FUCK, Nickelback are out-fucking-side!" Have several friends nearby to taunt anyone who gets excited.
21. Save the posters of those running for SU. Make sure you put them up DURING the election so that they get disqualified and shenanigans ensue.
22. Pull a Banksy and change all the signs around the university... to Korean.
23. Take a course with Malcolm Murray - this isn't intended to be funny, he just rules.
24. Join SU, or complain about the SU. This is not a false dichotomy.
25. Go to the Wave, if only to pick up.
26. Go to the library, if only to pick up.
27. Start petitions, raise awareness for important UPEI issues. For example, Mickey's is only open till like, 4, and often, I need coffees after 4.
28. Mourn the lack of good-looking TAs. Petition to open grad schools here.
29. Creatively conspire with your friends sweet stories to tell your 'off-island' friends about how swell UPEI is when they get home for holidays. Boy, will they be sorry!
30. Eat your parents' free food for as long as possible. Independence is fine, sure, but moms sure make sweet suppers. And they usually aren't made of toast, or Kraft dinner.
31. Write for the Cadre, or at least say you're going to write for the Cadre... there's no discernible difference. (ha ha! Just joking! Lucus, let's be friends!)
32. Write a Global Issues paper on the Essentiality of English 101. Write it really poorly.***
33. Get to your classroom a half hour before class. Rig the projector so that when it's turned on, Rock Band is being projected. Conveniently have all the instruments on hand. It helps to know your professors favorite band.
34. Go the the VU once.
35. I said once.
36. Woo your lover with songs specific to his or her major, such as, 'My Love for you is Greater than Jean Chretien’s First Majority Government’ or, ‘I Love You So Much that it Induces Nausea, but Not the Sartre Kind’.
37. If not of the athletic persuasion, at least use your gym pass to play ping pong between classes.
38. NURSES: During clinical, place a live goldfish in one of the IV bags.
39.Fix the vending machine in the basement of Main, please. Anyone. This is really important.
40.Go to Children’s lit dressed up as one of the characters you’re studying.
41. Give Justin Douglas a hug.
42. Go to the internet, find a picture of your prof. Print off a mask of their face for everyone in your class. Wear it every day until the end of semester.
43. Recreate the menstrual turkey scene from Eraserhead every day in the cafeteria. Get a friend to have the fake orgasms.
*The Semantic does not discriminate against minorities, we promise! We have all sorts of friends who are and stuff! . . .But give money to cystic fibrosis, or at least to Patrick Callbeck, 'cause he is a hottie.
** Unless you throw shit at your prof, which would likely be hilarious, but probably not met by applause.
*** This does not reflect the view of The Semantic, though it certainly is the view of the editor-in-chief.
LOSS OF PROFESSOR SURPRISES STUDENTS
Popular Academic Will Not Be Returning This Fall
by Timothy CULLEN
Students in the Political Studies department at UPEI are returning to campus this week as news surfaces that a popular professor will not be part of the faculty this year.
Neil Cruickshank, who taught international relations at UPEI, had been hired last year on a 10 month term contract with the university. When his contract expired, the administration declined to offer the professor a new term contract. At the urging of the Political Studies department, the administration gave Professor Cruickshank the option to pick up four sessional courses during the 2008-2009 school year, but he chose to leave and find work elsewhere.
The news of Professor Cruickshank's departure has surprised many students, such as fourth year political studies major Dan Aiken, who believed that the professor would be teaching some of his classes at the university this fall.
"I was shocked to hear about what happened. The students love the guy; you'll never find anyone better than Neil to teach International Relations."
"Professor Cruikshank is one of the most intelligent and resourceful educators that we had in the department. He's the kind of prof who makes you want to learn more and prepare for a truly engaging class discussion."
Aiken is not the only student singing Cruickshank's praises. Third year political studies major Mitch O'Shea thought he was the best political studies professor he'd had to date.
“He made lectures interesting with his presentations, and he was really able to relate well with his students. I had looked forward to taking more of his courses in the upcoming years, and am disappointed that I will no longer have that opportunity.”
The loss of the full time professor has put some strains on the political studies department's course calendar this year, as the department scrambles to cover Cruickshank's course load.
The Chair of the Political Studies department, Dr. Gil Germain, believes it could take years to find others to fill Professor Cruickshank's place. In the meantime, he says the department will rely on sessional and other tenured professors to pick up the slack. “If we could have found one professor to fill Cruickshank's shoes on short notice we would have. But it was impossible, so we had to rely on old stand-bys.”
Not all the courses that the department had intended to have Professor Cruickshank teach this year could be picked up or, in some cases, even taught by other members of the faculty. Two international politics courses, one on Global Governance, the other on European Integration, will be dropped from the calendar.
Germain says if the department cannot hire a new full-time professor before next year, they will be stuck piecing together a curriculum again for the 2009-2010 academic year. “As you can see, there'll be a lot of changes [to the department], and not necessarily for the better.”
In a recent interview with The Semantic, Dean of Arts Dr. Richard Kurial, the man ultimately responsible for the hiring of professors in the Faculty of Arts, said decisions such as the one not to offer Professor Cruickshank another term contract are “never easy decisions”.
He went on to say that he hopes it is possible for the political studies department to go forward and find someone who is meets the qualifications for a tenure stream position in international relations within the department.
Even if the university finds another professor in short order, it's clear that he or she will have some big shoes to fill.
“Professor Cruickshank brought a refreshing approach to international relations. He was an enthusiastic and captivating speaker who found it easy to connect with his students, and his unique teaching style provided for a creative learning environment” said Daniel Roper, a fourth year political studies major.
Clearly he will be missed.
Professor Cruickshank could not be reached for comment; however, The Semantic has learned that he has accepted a position at the University of Toronto.
by Timothy CULLEN
Students in the Political Studies department at UPEI are returning to campus this week as news surfaces that a popular professor will not be part of the faculty this year.
Neil Cruickshank, who taught international relations at UPEI, had been hired last year on a 10 month term contract with the university. When his contract expired, the administration declined to offer the professor a new term contract. At the urging of the Political Studies department, the administration gave Professor Cruickshank the option to pick up four sessional courses during the 2008-2009 school year, but he chose to leave and find work elsewhere.
The news of Professor Cruickshank's departure has surprised many students, such as fourth year political studies major Dan Aiken, who believed that the professor would be teaching some of his classes at the university this fall.
"I was shocked to hear about what happened. The students love the guy; you'll never find anyone better than Neil to teach International Relations."
"Professor Cruikshank is one of the most intelligent and resourceful educators that we had in the department. He's the kind of prof who makes you want to learn more and prepare for a truly engaging class discussion."
Aiken is not the only student singing Cruickshank's praises. Third year political studies major Mitch O'Shea thought he was the best political studies professor he'd had to date.
“He made lectures interesting with his presentations, and he was really able to relate well with his students. I had looked forward to taking more of his courses in the upcoming years, and am disappointed that I will no longer have that opportunity.”
The loss of the full time professor has put some strains on the political studies department's course calendar this year, as the department scrambles to cover Cruickshank's course load.
The Chair of the Political Studies department, Dr. Gil Germain, believes it could take years to find others to fill Professor Cruickshank's place. In the meantime, he says the department will rely on sessional and other tenured professors to pick up the slack. “If we could have found one professor to fill Cruickshank's shoes on short notice we would have. But it was impossible, so we had to rely on old stand-bys.”
Not all the courses that the department had intended to have Professor Cruickshank teach this year could be picked up or, in some cases, even taught by other members of the faculty. Two international politics courses, one on Global Governance, the other on European Integration, will be dropped from the calendar.
Germain says if the department cannot hire a new full-time professor before next year, they will be stuck piecing together a curriculum again for the 2009-2010 academic year. “As you can see, there'll be a lot of changes [to the department], and not necessarily for the better.”
In a recent interview with The Semantic, Dean of Arts Dr. Richard Kurial, the man ultimately responsible for the hiring of professors in the Faculty of Arts, said decisions such as the one not to offer Professor Cruickshank another term contract are “never easy decisions”.
He went on to say that he hopes it is possible for the political studies department to go forward and find someone who is meets the qualifications for a tenure stream position in international relations within the department.
Even if the university finds another professor in short order, it's clear that he or she will have some big shoes to fill.
“Professor Cruickshank brought a refreshing approach to international relations. He was an enthusiastic and captivating speaker who found it easy to connect with his students, and his unique teaching style provided for a creative learning environment” said Daniel Roper, a fourth year political studies major.
Clearly he will be missed.
Professor Cruickshank could not be reached for comment; however, The Semantic has learned that he has accepted a position at the University of Toronto.
Oh Hey, The Cadr - Ah, Wait a Second
Hey, there. Before we get started, I feel like we should be honest with each other . . .
1. You should know: I have an uncanny ability to hide behind the work of my more talented friends. To some, this may be a character flaw, but to me, it’s a useful trait to be exploited. That was a fundamental inspiration in the creation of this newspaper - a combination of ennui with the status quo and the realisation that my friends can write really, really well, but may not want to be associated with other news sources for whatever reason. That said, this publication is no exception to my sneakiness - everything in it, except one teeny tiny article, was written by people other than me.
As such, I can confidently guarantee its quality, journalistic integrity, and snappy one-liners.
2. We are not the official newspaper of UPEI. That's The Cadre - and I hear it's going to be good this year. We are completely independent, and any affiliation with UPEI is loose and unofficial. This does not come without perks - for example, one does not have to be a student of UPEI to write for The Semantic, and we do not have any stressful red tape issues with the university. That said, we don’t have access to printing presses, hence why our cute little publication is on 8.5x11 . . . alas. . .
Whew. Glad to get those things off my chest.
With that, I leave you with some suggestions to better enjoy the reading of this newspaper:
-Turn off that godforsaken loud music, and instead replace it with your new favourite, Elliott Smith. You’ll thank me in the long term.
-Read it to your neighbours, friends, and family. Read it during class. Make it rhyme, and create a musical about The Semantic. What you’re reading is history, people of UPEI, and you should embrace it!
-Skip that annoying list in the middle. The writing is shoddy and the editors did not do their jobs.
Yours,
Kate McKENNA, editor-in-chief
1. You should know: I have an uncanny ability to hide behind the work of my more talented friends. To some, this may be a character flaw, but to me, it’s a useful trait to be exploited. That was a fundamental inspiration in the creation of this newspaper - a combination of ennui with the status quo and the realisation that my friends can write really, really well, but may not want to be associated with other news sources for whatever reason. That said, this publication is no exception to my sneakiness - everything in it, except one teeny tiny article, was written by people other than me.
As such, I can confidently guarantee its quality, journalistic integrity, and snappy one-liners.
2. We are not the official newspaper of UPEI. That's The Cadre - and I hear it's going to be good this year. We are completely independent, and any affiliation with UPEI is loose and unofficial. This does not come without perks - for example, one does not have to be a student of UPEI to write for The Semantic, and we do not have any stressful red tape issues with the university. That said, we don’t have access to printing presses, hence why our cute little publication is on 8.5x11 . . . alas. . .
Whew. Glad to get those things off my chest.
With that, I leave you with some suggestions to better enjoy the reading of this newspaper:
-Turn off that godforsaken loud music, and instead replace it with your new favourite, Elliott Smith. You’ll thank me in the long term.
-Read it to your neighbours, friends, and family. Read it during class. Make it rhyme, and create a musical about The Semantic. What you’re reading is history, people of UPEI, and you should embrace it!
-Skip that annoying list in the middle. The writing is shoddy and the editors did not do their jobs.
Yours,
Kate McKENNA, editor-in-chief
Contributors
Kate McKENNA, Editor-in-Chief
Bob MacDONALD, Copy Editor
Contributors:
Isaac BERZINS
Timothy CULLEN
Allee DIXON
Lochlan DORRELL
Daniel NOYE
Katharine MacDONALD
Craig St. JEAN
If you have an interest in writing, a pechant for deadlines, and a healthy amount of self-depreciation, we would like you to write for us. If the feeling is mutual, please email thesemantic@gmail.com with the subject line readng ‘HAZE ME’ . Thanks in advance!
If you are a business owner, and somehow came across us, great! Please put ads in us, because we are poor. Very poor. And we haven’t paid our tuition
yet . . .
Bob MacDONALD, Copy Editor
Contributors:
Isaac BERZINS
Timothy CULLEN
Allee DIXON
Lochlan DORRELL
Daniel NOYE
Katharine MacDONALD
Craig St. JEAN
If you have an interest in writing, a pechant for deadlines, and a healthy amount of self-depreciation, we would like you to write for us. If the feeling is mutual, please email thesemantic@gmail.com with the subject line readng ‘HAZE ME’ . Thanks in advance!
If you are a business owner, and somehow came across us, great! Please put ads in us, because we are poor. Very poor. And we haven’t paid our tuition
yet . . .
HEY PROFESSORS
Kinda bored? Want to take a break from writing important publications? WELL, take the time to colour in the cover of The Semantic and drop it off to the Political Science/Philosophy lounge (Room 402 Main) in order to win the esteemed FACULTY COLOURING CONTEST 2008. Nothing goes better with a doctorate than this honour, and there may be fabulous prizes to be won!
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