A Ripping Good Time

(Spoiler Warning: A Lot of Prostitutes Die)

By Garrett CURLEY

Just in time for Halloween, A Community Theatre is staging Jack the Ripper: Monster Of Whitechapel at the Carrefour Theatre. The fun of the play is that it presents the story of history’s most famous serial killer as a comedy.

Producer Adam Gauthier and director Richard Haines are the driving force behind the production.

“It’s a show that I had for a number of years, and Rich and I were talking and said we’d like to work together in a show again. So I said, ‘why don’t we do a show around Halloween?’” says Gauthier. Gauthier also acts in the show, taking on the role of Officer O’Connell.

The show’s plot revolves around a small group of Londoners who are trying to solve the murders, one of whom is ultimately revealed to be the murderer. Each person has a different role to play. Phillip Poole (Joe MacDonald), an avid Sherlock Holmes fan, tries to solve the murders with keen detective work. Dr. Forbes Winslow (Fraser MacCallum) does the forensics work with the bodies. Pegeen (Barbara Rodenhizer) employs clairvoyance and tries to read the future, and bungling police commissioner Warren (Greg Chandler) oversees the whole operation.

All the while the bodies are piling up, and it becomes funnier and funnier to watch the characters struggle to solve the killings. This parallels the story of the real Jack the Ripper. There are many conflicting theories as to who the killer was, none of which are conclusive. This, according to Haines, is what makes Jack such a fascinating character.

Adding to the fun of the show are its alternate endings. Each night, actors draw straws backstage to determine who will be revealed as the killer for that show. A different killer is revealed every night, and not even the other actors know who they might be until they meet them onstage.

Audience response to the show has been enthusiastic, and even more people attended the second show than the first. Fraser MacCallum is thrilled to have so many caught up in the mystery.

“It’s a great show because it’s a whodunnit; the audience is involved all the way,” he says.

Jack the Ripper opened on Friday the 24th and played again the 25th, and will play again Thursday and Friday of this week, the 30th and 31st. Tickets are $14 and can be purchased at the door. Dress up in costume on the 31st, and you can get a ticket for only $12. The doors open at 7:30, and the show starts at 8 and ends around 10. For anyone going to the Halloween pub at the Wave, it would be a great way to begin the evening!

If you’re like me and you have to ask somebody where the Carrefour theatre is, it’s inside École François Buote. If you turn off Riverside Drive at the hospital and follow the left side of the fork in that road, it’ll come up on your right.

Haines is very pleased with how the show has been going. Asked for comment, he would only offer “muahahaha!” and that means a lot coming from him.

Women's Studies Society: Back, Busy, and Ballsy (pardon the pun)

by Amanda BULMAN

Many students have noticed the recent return and revitalization of several on campus groups that were less visible in previous years. The UPEI Women’s Studies Society is one of those groups. With a new roster of enthusiastic members it’s proving to be one the most active, political , creative and outspoken groups around. Members have already been hosting events and planning activities that manage to simultaneously promote feminist issues and fun. Senior chair member of the WSS Erica Van Driel thinks that a more visible society ultimately reflects a growing interest in the field of Women’s Studies,
“I think Women’s Studies is growing because women are finding a voice and finding each other and engaging in new discussions,” Van Driel said, “The WSS gives people interested in women studies events a place to gather and share .”
Already this year, the Women’s Studies Society has hosted a small back to school party and a film night followed by discussion that is part of an ongoing series geniusly entitled “Babes Beyond Borders”. Van Driel asserts that these events are just the beginning and that the WSS has many excellent activities planned.
“Babes Beyond Borders is my favourite activity that we’re doing. The films we watch feature women who challenge the prescribed gender roles and expectations laid out for them by society. We’re also planning on doing a food and toy drive closer to Christmas and we are working on organizing a road race entitled ‘The Feminist Five K’. Next semester we’re planning a wine and cheese, a coffee house, and a continuation of our film series.”
The group is also determined to change the negative way in which students often view the field of Women’s Studies.
“People who assume that Women’s Studies majors are man hating dykes need to do some research before making such outdated comments. Women’s Studies is about open-mindedness and social constructionist perspectives. It’s about challenging stereotypes not adhering to them. I would invite anyone who is confused about women’s studies to society events and to ask questions rather than jump to conclusions.”
The next Women’s Studies event is on Halloween with a showing of the Rocky Picture Horror show. To get in contact with the WSS or to get involved add the WSS on facebook, or check out the blog womensstudiessociety@blogspot.com

The 300 Million Dollar Status Quo

by Spencer LEE

With the majority of students’ minds filled with the stress of mid-terms, it seemed like the election ended as quickly as it was called. This issue of The Semantic is pleased to bring you – the half time recap of the Federal Election.
The results are what it boils down to, and I will not keep you waiting. The results fell out with the Conservative Party at 143 seats, the Liberal Party with 73 seats, the Bloc Quebecois garnering 50 seats, and the New Democratic Party scoring 37 seats.
Also, two independent candidates were elected to parliament.
Despite more media coverage, the Green Party won no seats.
The Conservative government remains in power, incumbent Prime Minister Stephen Harper has the ability to form a minority government, not unlike the minority government he had before.
There were some upsets, victories, defeats, tears shed, and blood lost all of which I will include in the Election Highlights.

Highlights
The Conservatives swept all of Manitoba and Alberta, with the exception of two seats: one being Wascana which belongs to long standing Liberal and former cabinet member Ralph Goodale, and the second of Edmonton-Strathcona which was won by the NDP “star” Candidate Linda Duncan. This environmental lawyer turfed Conservative Caucus leader Rahim Jaffer who had held the seat since 1997.
The NDP picked up eight seats in total since the last election in 2006, with the majority of them being in Northern Ontario.
Newfoundland, on the other hand, went entirely Liberal, save for the one seat: St. John’s East went to the NDP. The Conservatives lost their once three seat foothold in this province, no thanks to the premier of the province, Danny Williams. After a fallout with Prime Minister Stephen Harper over the Atlantic Accord, Williams vowed to launch what he would coin the “ABC” campaign, which is to say “Anything But Conservative”. This news came to a shock to some, as Williams himself was elected to the Premiership of Newfoundland on a Conservative platform.
Conservative National Defense Minister Peter MacKay was victorious in what was thought to be a close battle between Green Party Leader Elizabeth May and himself. Liberal leader Stephane Dion made the controversial decision not to run a candidate in Central Nova in an alliance between the Green Party and the Liberal party to get May elected. However, both parties underestimated MacKay’s stronghold on the riding, and MacKay was elected, earning 46% of the vote to May’s 32%.
The big upset to us here, and residents of Prince Edward Island was in the riding of Egmont, where Conservative Gail Shea was able to win her seat against former PEI Premier Keith Milligan. This seat had been held by Liberals for over 20 years. Formerly, Minister Peter MacKay was appointed to represent PEI as there were no elected Conservatives to take the position.

While Harper did not win his majority, the Liberal party did lose 27 seats. This is a dramatic upset and the worst electoral finishing for the Liberal Party since the time of Confederation.
On the question of the Liberal campaign finish, third year Political Science student Timothy Cullen offered this:
“Well, obviously the party is disappointed, but now that the election is behind us, we must prepare for a new session of Parliament, where our MPs and Senators will be called on to address some serious challenges.”
The NDP picked up eight seats, two of which were from the Conservatives. The rest were scored of Northern Ontario seats, were held by Liberal incumbents.
The Bloc picked up two seats from its 2006 finishing, it is cause for belief it seems still for the Separatist movement is still alive and well in Quebec. Bloc leader Gilles Duceppe assures us all that Quebec is making its move towards sovereignty one small step at a time.

The Green Party expected to pick up one seat, failed to do so but raised in support from 2006 to an overall total of 6.02%. Green Party leader Elizabeth May also enjoyed the pleasure of being accepted into the National Leaders’ Debate for the first time.
As for the Green Party’s finish, supporter Mitchell Gallant is optimistic,
“I think she did really well. She didn’t gain any seats but she picked up a lot of popular vote, and I think next time, she’ll do better.”
The Conservative Party picks up 18 seats and falls short 12 of forming a majority Government. Some students like Dan Aiken feel this is not a loss for the Conservative leader but a victory.
“Well you can’t take everything as a loss, I mean they have more seats than they had before, and the Liberals have less so obviously this can’t be considered a loss in any sense of the word.”
As for the hopes of Stephen Harper forming a majority he said:
“I think they are a relatively new Party, and this has been there third election. I think to expect any sort of majority anytime soon, would be hoping for too much. All they can do now, is show the people that when they are in Government, they know what they’re doing.”
So as it looks now, it will be a Conservative minority government, governing for now, as long as Jack Layton doesn’t get the election jitters, and the Bloc doesn’t succeed in becoming their own country, because the way it seems the Liberals are preoccupied by infighting and an upcoming Leadership Convention. Can the Liberal Party get a Federal facelift in time, is Elizabeth May ever going to stop running in Central Nova, will Gilles Duceppe ever dye his hair, and will Jack Layton ever shave his moustache?

Tune into the Next Federal Election Campaign, date: TBA

Assassins!

Battle Royale Breaks out at UPEI

In an innovative game organized by Jon Millington, UPEI students find themselves pitted against each other in a game of survival.

“Assassins”, brought to UPEI by Millington himself, is a game that Students target other students, picking from a hat their target and hitting them with an elastic band. At UPEI, killers may be ruthless: sling-shots as well as head shots are allowed. Once killed, the victim is to assign their killer their own target. For example, were this reporter to die by the merciless elastic of Shawn Bruce, this reporter would then tell Bruce that her target was Neil Guo. Bruce would then attempt to pick off Guo in a manner equally as ruthless as he (theoretically) picked off this reporter.

This has been ongoing since Monday, October 20th. There are three designated safe zones: libraries, cafeterias, and bathrooms. The campus has been largely affected by this game. As an example, in the writing of this story, this reporter spied a crude crucifix-esque wooden creation that was clearly intended for elastic propelling. Upon asking why the slingshot was constucted so sacreligiously, the builder (who did not want to be identified as to not compromise their mission) simply stated in reply ‘in case they are also vampires.’
In another example of human nature, competitors have been sneaky in their means of attracting their victim. In severe cases, competitors have called victims pretending to be Millington and claiming that they would be disqualified if they didn’t come to UPEI at a certain time. Players have also been targetted in classes, during midterms, and in their own apartments. James Webster, a business student, learned the hard way not to open his door to midnight callers, as he became an unwilling victim.

The winner is not he or she that lasts the longest, but rather, he/she whom picks off the most people prior to dying.
Stats regarding current placeholders have not yet been released, however there is wide speculation regarding potential winner.

About 55 people are involved in this game, not all of which are UPEI students. For more statistical information, the facebook group (called simply ‘assassins!’) is updated with every kill.

Death List (as of 12:16pm, Monday, October 27th)
Ernesto Carranza
Jason Morais (riddled by elastics in midterm)
Ashley MacLeod
Tyler Wheeler
Sarah MacDonald
Angus MacPhail
Laura Blezy
Danielle MacDonald (shot down in her own dining room)
James Webster
Anthony Yu
Emily McKenna
Chris Reid
Jackie Skinner
Shawn Bruce
Rob Livingstone
Kate McKenna (alas - Ed.)
Neil Guo
Asher Fredericks
Nicole Lane
Greg Bradley
Matt Yeo
Danielle F. MacDonald
Sarah Bulman
Alex Keoughan
Kaja Gerstein
Brittany Banks

Colonel Gray Haunted House

By Julia MacMILLAN

It’s no secret that many people have horror stories from high school, but Colonel Gray has decided to take those nightmares to a new level, and support two excellent causes along the way.
Colonel Gray's Key Club and Youth in Action group have teamed up to present this years Haunted Basement. The proceeds from this venture will be split between Key Club's main service projects for the year, Sleeping Children Around the World and Free the Children. Sleeping Children is an organization that raises funds to provide bed kits to the neediest of children in underdeveloped and developing countries. Free the Children is an organization recognized all over the world for their inspirational attempts to end poverty, set up solid educational systems in developing countries, eliminate child labor and exploitation and fight for children's rights.
The idea of the Haunted Basement was brought up three years ago, achieving great success. Heading up the project this year are Dana Kenny, Olivia White, Julia McMillan, Patrick McKenna and John Thomas McKenna.
For the last month, about thirty students from both Key Club and Youth in Action have been working hard to create this year's basement. Through lots of creative ideas and many hours of effort on behalf of everyone, the basement has been transformed into a series of hair-raising scenarios and strange characters. And although one would assume that the scariest thing about a high school is the teachers, no teachers have been involved. It’s completely student-run, and they've worked hard to make this a terrifying spot. Thematically planned, this year the story is about a boy frantically trying to find his missing girlfriend. Throughout his search he finds himself in all sorts of scary and disturbing situations.
The Haunted Basement will be open from Monday, October 27 until Thursday the 30th. The basement will run all lunch hour and be open to students at Colonel Gray all week. On Thursday between the hours of 3:00 and 6:00 the basement will be open to the public. Because of some content, we advise children to be over the age of 12, or with an adult to enter. The cost is only $2, and all proceeds go to the aforementioned charities.
We encourage all to come check it out, and support Key Club and Youth in Action. If you're seeking a spook this is the place to go.

Adie Montgomery is a Great Buddy

UPEI student coordinates program to make International Students feel more at home

By Kate McKENNA

UPEI student Adie Montgomery understands the importance of having a support system when moved from one’s country. Her empathy, coupled with her urge to make a difference, motivated her to spearhead the UPEI Buddy Program this year.
Started four years ago by an international student, this program has run every semester since. The Buddy Program pairs up an existing UPEI student with an international student in the hopes of helping the international student adjust to their surroundings. The UPEI student acts as a source of information regarding Island culture, local events, and also acts as a means for international students to meet local ones. As coordinator, Montgomery feels strongly about this program, “Of course I am biased as the coordinator, but I truly feel this is a great program to get involved with. There are students from all over the world (over 50 different countries at our university) and it is an amazing opportunity to be introduced to people of diverse cultures. Especially if you plan to travel in the future, this is a way to make friends who you can go visit”
While the program runs for only one semester, most friendships last significantly longer. On top of looking excellent on a resume, Montgomery claims the experience of cross-culture learning is paramount and a lot of fun.
“We want students to have a full Canadian experience, not just one focused around the university.” Montgomery states.
Though student run, this program is funded by the Webster Centre, who forwards the appropriate amount of funding to the student union and the program coordinator.  As program coordinator, Montgomery acts as the liason between the SU and the program itself.
Montgomery adds that student volunteers are necessary to keep such a program running. The Buddy Program is vigourously recruiting, and those interested can visit www.upeisu.com/iscp.asp or stop by the front desk of the SU where there are volunteer forms on hand.

hum

Bobby MacDonald is a third year journalism student at UPEI. He is the copy editor of The Semantic, which means he will eventually pull out every one of his beautiful long, blonde hairs. What a shame, what a shame.

Bobby has worked for The Guardian since graduating from the Holland College journalism program. He is a snappy dresser, and has a penchant for puns, and grammar.

la la

Kate McKenna is a third year political science and philosophy student. She has no qualifications to edit a newspaper whatsoever, but she tries damn hard!

Kate likes writing, but moreso, she likes telling people what to do.

She has been published in several grown up anthologies, the Ottawa Citizen, and helped edit a small text for the University of Ottawa (that is yet to be released.) She can't figure out why they always pick the work she likes least. She is also the editor of fiction in a small magazine out of Montreal, entitled Jump. She has a daunting internet presence, so she is available for contact: kemckenna at upei.ca

Fiction

A BAD KING:

A Dark Tale of Redemption versus Fatalism

By Lochlan DORRELL, age three
(As told to Casey DORRELL)

A Bad King is going to bash a sidewalk.
The sidewalk falls apart. The bad king goes home.
He plays and stuff.

The King goes back and there wasn't a sidewalk.
The people can't walk so they walk on the road.

The king goes back again and he fixes up the sidewalk.
The people say "thank you".

Then a pirate comes. The pirate is bad.
He bashes the sidewalk. He doesn't fix it.
The people can't walk so they walk on the road.

A car drives over the people.

The End.

43 Things to Do Before Getting Kicked out of UPEI

Originally a list of 100, then 50, this list showcases the traditional work ethic at The Semantic.

by Kate McKENNA

1. Give Wade MacLaughlin a big ol' kiss.
2. Go drinking at the Wave. Break into the library through the roof immediately thereafter - this is surprisingly easy (or so I'm told. ...Just joking! ha! ha!)
3. Live in Browns.
4. Complain, loudly, about living in Browns.
5. Get evicted from Browns; say it was your roommates fault. He/she never did the dishes, either.
6. Do NSO, get free stuff.
7. Run for SU president - worth it if only to plaster the big window of the Murphy centre with your name.
8. Do an international exchange.
9. Run for president while on an international exchange.
10.If you are an engineering student, spend your life in the library yet somehow, inexplicably, gain a reputation for drinking all the time.
11. If you are a nursing student, worry not, the engineers will buy you drinks.
12. If you are an arts student, study really hard for the last three weeks of classes. For the first two months, well, a bunch of us are playing Civilization IV in the computer lounge if you want to join...
13. If you are a science student, well, um, that's cool. The window is to the right of the stairs, if you need it.
14. Throw something at that guy in your class who just can't stop talking. Your heroic action will likely be met by applause**.
15. Donate to Shinerama, 'cause if you don't, you'll be in a minority.*
16. Before exams, wear pyjamas to class.
17. To exams, wear only undies. Everyone's doing it, especially fourth year, attractive, male, poli sci majors. Don't be left out!
18. Streak across campus. Make a facebook group about it.
19. ...On a side note, search 'If only 1000 people join, Kate will snort a line of cocaine off each of her final exams.' and JOIN THAT SHIT.
20. Run through the Murphy centre screaming "HOLY FUCK, Nickelback are out-fucking-side!" Have several friends nearby to taunt anyone who gets excited.
21. Save the posters of those running for SU. Make sure you put them up DURING the election so that they get disqualified and shenanigans ensue.
22. Pull a Banksy and change all the signs around the university... to Korean.
23. Take a course with Malcolm Murray - this isn't intended to be funny, he just rules.
24. Join SU, or complain about the SU. This is not a false dichotomy.
25. Go to the Wave, if only to pick up.
26. Go to the library, if only to pick up.
27. Start petitions, raise awareness for important UPEI issues. For example, Mickey's is only open till like, 4, and often, I need coffees after 4.
28. Mourn the lack of good-looking TAs. Petition to open grad schools here.
29. Creatively conspire with your friends sweet stories to tell your 'off-island' friends about how swell UPEI is when they get home for holidays. Boy, will they be sorry!
30. Eat your parents' free food for as long as possible. Independence is fine, sure, but moms sure make sweet suppers. And they usually aren't made of toast, or Kraft dinner.
31. Write for the Cadre, or at least say you're going to write for the Cadre... there's no discernible difference. (ha ha! Just joking! Lucas, let's be friends!)
32. Write a Global Issues paper on the Essentiality of English 101. Write it really poorly.***
33. Get to your classroom a half hour before class. Rig the projector so that when it's turned on, Rock Band is being projected. Conveniently have all the instruments on hand. It helps to know your professors favorite band.
34. Go the the VU once.
35. I said once.
36. Woo your lover with songs specific to his or her major, such as, 'My Love for you is Greater than Jean Chretien’s First Majority Government’ or, ‘I Love You So Much that it Induces Nausea, but Not the Sartre Kind’.
37. If not of the athletic persuasion, at least use your gym pass to play ping pong between classes.
38. NURSES: During clinical, place a live goldfish in one of the IV bags.
39.Fix the vending machine in the basement of Main, please. Anyone. This is really important.
40.Go to Children’s lit dressed up as one of the characters you’re studying.
41. Give Justin Douglas a hug.
42. Go to the internet, find a picture of your prof. Print off a mask of their face for everyone in your class.  Wear it every day until the end of semester.
43. Recreate the menstrual turkey scene from Eraserhead every day in the cafeteria. Get a friend to have the fake orgasms.



*The Semantic does not discriminate against minorities, we promise! We have all sorts of friends who are and stuff! . . .But give money to cystic fibrosis, or at least to Patrick Callbeck, 'cause he is a hottie.
** Unless you throw shit at your prof, which would likely be hilarious, but probably not met by applause.
*** This does not reflect the view of The Semantic, though it certainly is the view of the editor-in-chief.

UIGG:

An exercise in Deli Meat, 4Chan, and Metal Debauchery

In an exclusive interview with The Semantic, local metal band divulges motives, inspirations, and bad habits.

Dani Dowling: Everyone get in here!
(TrevorQ, Chris Doucette, Ryan Hale, and Craig St. Jean push each other, fighting for optimal position on the couch)

The Semantic: Anything you guys would like to say before we get started?

TrevorQ: Yeah, i got something to say. Don't you think this paper/print format is obsolete? I don't know why we're wasting our time with something that's ALREADY obsolete.
Dani: He's a little chippy today.

The Semantic: So what's the title of the upcoming album? I don't think it's been mentioned yet. Care to give us the exclusive?

Craig: It's gonna be called "Donairs and Beers". Strip away the pretense-- fuck it. We like donairs and beers.

Ryan: We just wanted to give credit to our influences.

Dani: That's TOTALLY true, but it hints at a much larger theme lying just below the surface. You see, we live in a society where consumption and over stimulation pollute our minds on a daily basis to the point where no one can take pleasure in the “little things” anymore. No one wants to enjoy a beer anymore; they want to see some guy on youtube smashing it over his friends head while listening to My Chemical Romance. I blame the internet 100% for all of the world’s problems.

Craig: We're nothing if not succinct.

The Semantic: What's the songwriting process like for you guys?

TrevorQ: Let's not kid ourselves, it mostly all comes from me. I really think that collaboration is becoming obsolete, and so my single-handed approach is far more modern.

Ryan: I like his mom's singlehanded approach:

Douce: ... (smirks, then continues to smoke silently)

Craig: Seriously though, Douce brings in some sweet shredding tunes too. But yeah, individual songs are mostly written by either guitar player, and then we develop them as we jam. Usually most of our time gets spent thinking up retarded names for the riffs, though.

Dani: I guess they don't want to admit it, but the way we really operate is this: I bring some lyrics to Craig, and say something like "dude, I want you to read these lyrics, and write drum parts that reflect the deeper societal issues at play here." And most of the time the issues are too deep for Craig to fully grasp, and that's part of the reason he fucks up at least one or two songs during any given live set. But yeah, whatever drum part he comes up with then gets put alongside guitar parts that both Douce and Q come up with individually after I show them my lyrics. I guess it stands as testament to the strength of my message that these guys independently come up with parts that, for the most, tend to work perfectly well together.

The Semantic: What's the biggest misconception about Uigg?

Craig: That we don't do the stuff you think we do. Oh, we do it.

Douce: …(begins rolling another smoke)

Ryan: All of it.

TrevorQ: Well maybe not all of it

Ryan: Definitely ALL of it.

The Semantic: While I was sitting in with a couple of the other journo's during the listening session, I couldn't help but notice a preponderance of imperfections in the recording. Care to explain this?

Dani: See the problem is not the imperfections, but the fact that people don’t seem to understand where something stops being a recorded collaboration of like-minded musicians, and starts being a chef-d'oeuvre. The album sounds exactly the way it needs to, to properly reflect the underlying themes associated with the music we create. We’re not dealing with lollipops and unicorns here, this is some heavy stuff. It’s not the local “metalcore” band’s off key crooning about summers long past and unrequited love. The subject matter is far from perfect so why should the production and recording be pristine? This is not the latest Avril Lavigne or dare I say, Lil’ Jon Record so why should it sound like we recorded with a million dollar budget in some studio in LA or Toronto with leather sofas and girl that brings you Fiji water with a lemon wedge in it? We did everything we could to make the recording process as hard as possible for the band because we knew that the end product would be something that we had slaved over and the sound of the album would reflect that. One of the dominant themes on the album is self-destruction, which is a messy, imperfect process. So, the sound and performances on the album reflect that.

The Semantic: Brilliant. Any final words?

Craig: I want to thank you for not asking us about THAT THING we pre-agreed you wouldn't ask us about.

* Uigg will be releasing their first full length album this fall. In the meantime, keep an eye on http://www.myspace.com/uigg for updates and new music.*

43 Things to Do Before Getting Kicked out of UPEI

By Kate McKENNA

1. Give Wade MacLaughlin a big ol' kiss.
2. Go drinking at the Wave. Break into the library through the roof immediately thereafter - this is surprisingly easy (or so I'm told. ...Just joking! ha! ha!)
3. Live in Browns.
4. Complain, loudly, about living in Browns.
5. Get evicted from Browns; say it was your roommates fault. He/she never did the dishes, either.
6. Do NSO, get free stuff.
7. Run for SU president - worth it if only to plaster the big window of the Murphy centre with your name.
8. Do an international exchange.
9. Run for president while on an international exchange.
10.If you are an engineering student, spend your life in the library yet somehow, inexplicably, gain a reputation for drinking all the time.
11. If you are a nursing student, worry not, the engineers will buy you drinks.
12. If you are an arts student, study really hard for the last three weeks of classes. For the first two months, well, a bunch of us are playing Civilization IV in the computer lounge if you want to join...
13. If you are a science student, well, um, that's cool. The window is to the right of the stairs, if you need it.
14. Throw something at that guy in your class who just can't stop talking. Your heroic action will likely be met by applause**.
15. Donate to Shinerama, 'cause if you don't, you'll be in a minority.*
16. Before exams, wear pyjamas to class.
17. To exams, wear only undies. Everyone's doing it, especially fourth year, attractive, male, poli sci majors. Don't be left out!
18. Streak across campus. Make a facebook group about it.
19. ...On a side note, search 'If only 1000 people join, Kate will snort a line of cocaine off each of her final exams.' and JOIN THAT SHIT.
20. Run through the Murphy centre screaming "HOLY FUCK, Nickelback are out-fucking-side!" Have several friends nearby to taunt anyone who gets excited.
21. Save the posters of those running for SU. Make sure you put them up DURING the election so that they get disqualified and shenanigans ensue.
22. Pull a Banksy and change all the signs around the university... to Korean.
23. Take a course with Malcolm Murray - this isn't intended to be funny, he just rules.
24. Join SU, or complain about the SU. This is not a false dichotomy.
25. Go to the Wave, if only to pick up.
26. Go to the library, if only to pick up.
27. Start petitions, raise awareness for important UPEI issues. For example, Mickey's is only open till like, 4, and often, I need coffees after 4.
28. Mourn the lack of good-looking TAs. Petition to open grad schools here.
29. Creatively conspire with your friends sweet stories to tell your 'off-island' friends about how swell UPEI is when they get home for holidays. Boy, will they be sorry!
30. Eat your parents' free food for as long as possible. Independence is fine, sure, but moms sure make sweet suppers. And they usually aren't made of toast, or Kraft dinner.
31. Write for the Cadre, or at least say you're going to write for the Cadre... there's no discernible difference. (ha ha! Just joking! Lucus, let's be friends!)
32. Write a Global Issues paper on the Essentiality of English 101. Write it really poorly.***
33. Get to your classroom a half hour before class. Rig the projector so that when it's turned on, Rock Band is being projected. Conveniently have all the instruments on hand. It helps to know your professors favorite band.
34. Go the the VU once.
35. I said once.
36. Woo your lover with songs specific to his or her major, such as, 'My Love for you is Greater than Jean Chretien’s First Majority Government’ or, ‘I Love You So Much that it Induces Nausea, but Not the Sartre Kind’.
37. If not of the athletic persuasion, at least use your gym pass to play ping pong between classes.
38. NURSES: During clinical, place a live goldfish in one of the IV bags.
39.Fix the vending machine in the basement of Main, please. Anyone. This is really important.
40.Go to Children’s lit dressed up as one of the characters you’re studying.
41. Give Justin Douglas a hug.
42. Go to the internet, find a picture of your prof. Print off a mask of their face for everyone in your class.  Wear it every day until the end of semester.
43. Recreate the menstrual turkey scene from Eraserhead every day in the cafeteria. Get a friend to have the fake orgasms.


*The Semantic does not discriminate against minorities, we promise! We have all sorts of friends who are and stuff! . . .But give money to cystic fibrosis, or at least to Patrick Callbeck, 'cause he is a hottie.
** Unless you throw shit at your prof, which would likely be hilarious, but probably not met by applause.
*** This does not reflect the view of The Semantic, though it certainly is the view of the editor-in-chief.

LOSS OF PROFESSOR SURPRISES STUDENTS

Popular Academic Will Not Be Returning This Fall

by Timothy CULLEN


Students in the Political Studies department at UPEI are returning to campus this week as news surfaces that a popular professor will not be part of the faculty this year.

Neil Cruickshank, who taught international relations at UPEI, had been hired last year on a 10 month term contract with the university. When his contract expired, the administration declined to offer the professor a new term contract. At the urging of the Political Studies department, the administration gave Professor Cruickshank the option to pick up four sessional courses during the 2008-2009 school year, but he chose to leave and find work elsewhere.

The news of Professor Cruickshank's departure has surprised many students, such as fourth year political studies major Dan Aiken, who believed that the professor would be teaching some of his classes at the university this fall.

"I was shocked to hear about what happened. The students love the guy; you'll never find anyone better than Neil to teach International Relations."

"Professor Cruikshank is one of the most intelligent and resourceful educators that we had in the department. He's the kind of prof who makes you want to learn more and prepare for a truly engaging class discussion."

Aiken is not the only student singing Cruickshank's praises. Third year political studies major Mitch O'Shea thought he was the best political studies professor he'd had to date.

“He made lectures interesting with his presentations, and he was really able to relate well with his students. I had looked forward to taking more of his courses in the upcoming years, and am disappointed that I will no longer have that opportunity.”

The loss of the full time professor has put some strains on the political studies department's course calendar this year, as the department scrambles to cover Cruickshank's course load.

The Chair of the Political Studies department, Dr. Gil Germain, believes it could take years to find others to fill Professor Cruickshank's place. In the meantime, he says the department will rely on sessional and other tenured professors to pick up the slack. “If we could have found one professor to fill Cruickshank's shoes on short notice we would have. But it was impossible, so we had to rely on old stand-bys.”

Not all the courses that the department had intended to have Professor Cruickshank teach this year could be picked up or, in some cases, even taught by other members of the faculty. Two international politics courses, one on Global Governance, the other on European Integration, will be dropped from the calendar.

Germain says if the department cannot hire a new full-time professor before next year, they will be stuck piecing together a curriculum again for the 2009-2010 academic year. “As you can see, there'll be a lot of changes [to the department], and not necessarily for the better.”

In a recent interview with The Semantic, Dean of Arts Dr. Richard Kurial, the man ultimately responsible for the hiring of professors in the Faculty of Arts, said decisions such as the one not to offer Professor Cruickshank another term contract are “never easy decisions”.

He went on to say that he hopes it is possible for the political studies department to go forward and find someone who is meets the qualifications for a tenure stream position in international relations within the department.

Even if the university finds another professor in short order, it's clear that he or she will have some big shoes to fill.

“Professor Cruickshank brought a refreshing approach to international relations. He was an enthusiastic and captivating speaker who found it easy to connect with his students, and his unique teaching style provided for a creative learning environment” said Daniel Roper, a fourth year political studies major.

Clearly he will be missed.

Professor Cruickshank could not be reached for comment; however, The Semantic has learned that he has accepted a position at the University of Toronto.

Oh Hey, The Cadr - Ah, Wait a Second

Hey, there. Before we get started, I feel like we should be honest with each other . . .

1. You should know: I have an uncanny ability to hide behind the work of my more talented friends. To some, this may be a character flaw, but to me, it’s a useful trait to be exploited. That was a fundamental inspiration in the creation of this newspaper - a combination of ennui with the status quo and the realisation that my friends can write really, really well, but may not want to be associated with other news sources for whatever reason. That said, this publication is no exception to my sneakiness - everything in it, except one teeny tiny article, was written by people other than me.
As such, I can confidently guarantee its quality, journalistic integrity, and snappy one-liners.

2. We are not the official newspaper of UPEI. That's The Cadre - and I hear it's going to be good this year. We are completely independent, and any affiliation with UPEI is loose and unofficial. This does not come without perks - for example, one does not have to be a student of UPEI to write for The Semantic, and we do not have any stressful red tape issues with the university. That said, we don’t have access to printing presses, hence why our cute little publication is on 8.5x11 . . . alas. . .

Whew.  Glad to get those things off my chest.

With that, I leave you with some suggestions to better enjoy the reading of this newspaper:

-Turn off that godforsaken loud music, and instead replace it with your new favourite, Elliott Smith. You’ll thank me in the long term.
-Read it to your neighbours, friends, and family.  Read it during class. Make it rhyme, and create a musical about The Semantic. What you’re reading is history, people of UPEI, and you should embrace it!
-Skip that annoying list in the middle. The writing is shoddy and the editors did not do their jobs.




Yours,

Kate McKENNA, editor-in-chief

Contributors

Kate McKENNA, Editor-in-Chief
Bob MacDONALD, Copy Editor


Contributors:
Isaac BERZINS
Timothy CULLEN
Allee DIXON
Lochlan DORRELL
Daniel NOYE
Katharine MacDONALD
Craig St. JEAN


If you have an interest in writing, a pechant for deadlines, and a healthy amount of self-depreciation, we would like you to write for us. If the feeling is mutual, please email thesemantic@gmail.com with the subject line readng ‘HAZE ME’ . Thanks in advance!

If you are a business owner, and somehow came across us, great! Please put ads in us, because we are poor. Very poor. And we haven’t paid our tuition
yet . . .

HEY PROFESSORS

Kinda bored? Want to take a break from writing important publications? WELL, take the time to colour in the cover of The Semantic and drop it off to the Political Science/Philosophy lounge (Room 402 Main) in order to win the esteemed FACULTY COLOURING CONTEST 2008. Nothing goes better with a doctorate than this honour, and there may be fabulous prizes to be won!