Patio vs.Carver: Life Solutions

Q: I am going to the Farmer's Market for the first time this Saturday. What should I get?

P: Whoa. Whoa. Dude. What is wrong with you? Are you the same guy that keeps asking what the meaning of life is? Knock it off with the hard questions, you're making us look bad.

C: Buy a Chocobanana Smoothie and then hit up a chicken shawarma. After all that time in the line you will need another smoothie. Purchase one. Now we're off to what I call Farmer's Market blitz time. Take a $5 and buy as much as you can in three minutes. Get a Propeller root beer, blitz four more times, and your paycheque should be down to about nothing. Go home. Nap. I have a detailed map if you would like to know how to fully experience the farmer's market.

Q: I spent all my student loan money on books. I can't afford to heat my apartment. How do I stay warm on a student's budget?

P: In a situation such as yours, all you can do is ask WWSD. What would Survivorman do? "Gots ta do what it takes to survive!" Even if it means burning your precious books.

C: You, me, a portable heater, Ed MacDonald's "If You're Stronghearted" and a bag of cheezits. Let the fires ignit. We will be selling Patio Patent WWSD bracelets bracelets Tuesdays and Thursdays in Main 125 during my Moran history class. 25 bones.

Q: I go to all the totally amazing, sold out Absolute Glow Dance Parties at The Wave on Saturdays. I take part in the outstanding price drink specials, dance to DJ Singles (5th Year Psychology Student/UPEI SU President's moonlight job) but I can't pickup a fine shorty. Have any advice? Signed, D.J. TooSingle

P: Well, fine sir. I'm not a huge fan of the really short women. But what I suggest is you dedicate a lovely ballad or love song to the shortest girl in the crowd. May I suggest, "God Must Have Spent A Little More Time On You", made famous by *NSYNC. Or maybe that song from Titanic? She's really look up to you for that.

C: You've made the first step in the right direction for you by not going to the dirty (VU's streetname). I think you need to stare down the ladies for a good hour before you approach. Not too long though or people in white shirts will remove you from the establishment. But just long enough so the interest is known.

Q: I just got a car last week and I already have five tickets! Is there any way to make parking on campus easier? Signed, Loading Zone.

C: I have spent sixteen years mapping out the Parking Ticket Person (PTP as I like to call them), and yes, in sixteen years I have yet to come up with a better name for them. This year has been especially difficult to avoid tickets due to the PTP receiving Ice Cube's repo'd ride.

P: Screw it, just tell 'em.

C: Use my map or never register your car with UPEI and they'll never be able to send you a bill for the tickets. PTP can't ticket what don't exist in the database, y'all!