an exercise in human nature as explored by Connor Simpson
I spend a lot of time on Facebook. I have a problem. It's an addiction, like crack or heroin. I need my fix, and I'll break promises and friendships to get it. Are there meetings I can go to for this kind of thing? In peak creepiness, I can figure out who wrote in my Honesty Box by cross referencing the writing style to who I think it is, and then checking the time stamps of the Honesty Box message and the other Facebook activity of my suspects. I probably watch too many detective shows, but that's for a different time and place - and possibly an example of denial. The point is, I have a problem, and unlike Dexter, there are not hot women who can sponsor me in my addiction.
Like crack and heroin, my addiction is detrimental to my social life - don't worry, it’s not because I'm selling myself for friend requests or wall-posts. It's because I'm starting to know people before I even meet them.
I went to Dal last semester*, so, you know, I didn't live here. I did, however, grow up here, go to school here . . . so every time I looked through my friends' photo albums, there would be new faces with whom I’m completely unfamiliar. So, being a curious person by nature, I would click on their profile if not set to private (and seriously, who doesn’t have their profile set to private these days?). Who are these new people? Are they good enough for my friends? I would ask someone on MSN who they are, what they're like, where they came from, who has crushes on them, etc. etc. But then I'd start asking myself things like, "Am I being replaced? Is there still room for me when I get home? Will people even remember me?" Flashback to grade two, sitting in the sandbox alone - Shut up, Connor, I'd remind myself, people love you.
Back to my problem. Once I came home from school, I was confronted with actually having to meet these people. But I already knew them? I knew their names, where they're from, what people find annoying about them. It’s like we'd already met. I made the mistake of saying to one of them, "Oh hey, I recognize you from Facebook." That was a bad idea. As a heads up, social stars, saying, "I know you from the internet," to someone is the creepiest thing you can possibly do, regardless of how innocently you meant for it to be. "But you're in all of my friends photo albums!?" Doesn't matter. You can't win. That person is going to look at you like you farted for the rest of the night. Take it from me, gentle readers. Facebook etiquette, as you no doubt know, is imperative in contemporary internet society.
I quickly learned that the best thing to do is play dumb. Act like you've never heard that person's name before. "Hm, you're who? I've never heard of you ever before! You hang out with my friends all the time now?! This is news!" And I can continue to live with my addiction in peace. I think I've met everyone. But its not like I'd actually tell you that. I've never met you before in my life. You're who?
*Say hi to me on campus, please. I'm new and don't know where I'm going. Directions are appreciated.
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Stalking people up and then pretending you don't already know all about them is pretty exciting because then while you're getting to know them legitimately you have to keep track of what they've told you about themselves and what you still have to pretend not to know. It's like a game where the prize is "not being outed as th biggest creep ever"!
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