43 Things to Do Before Getting Kicked out of UPEI

By Kate McKENNA

1. Give Wade MacLaughlin a big ol' kiss.
2. Go drinking at the Wave. Break into the library through the roof immediately thereafter - this is surprisingly easy (or so I'm told. ...Just joking! ha! ha!)
3. Live in Browns.
4. Complain, loudly, about living in Browns.
5. Get evicted from Browns; say it was your roommates fault. He/she never did the dishes, either.
6. Do NSO, get free stuff.
7. Run for SU president - worth it if only to plaster the big window of the Murphy centre with your name.
8. Do an international exchange.
9. Run for president while on an international exchange.
10.If you are an engineering student, spend your life in the library yet somehow, inexplicably, gain a reputation for drinking all the time.
11. If you are a nursing student, worry not, the engineers will buy you drinks.
12. If you are an arts student, study really hard for the last three weeks of classes. For the first two months, well, a bunch of us are playing Civilization IV in the computer lounge if you want to join...
13. If you are a science student, well, um, that's cool. The window is to the right of the stairs, if you need it.
14. Throw something at that guy in your class who just can't stop talking. Your heroic action will likely be met by applause**.
15. Donate to Shinerama, 'cause if you don't, you'll be in a minority.*
16. Before exams, wear pyjamas to class.
17. To exams, wear only undies. Everyone's doing it, especially fourth year, attractive, male, poli sci majors. Don't be left out!
18. Streak across campus. Make a facebook group about it.
19. ...On a side note, search 'If only 1000 people join, Kate will snort a line of cocaine off each of her final exams.' and JOIN THAT SHIT.
20. Run through the Murphy centre screaming "HOLY FUCK, Nickelback are out-fucking-side!" Have several friends nearby to taunt anyone who gets excited.
21. Save the posters of those running for SU. Make sure you put them up DURING the election so that they get disqualified and shenanigans ensue.
22. Pull a Banksy and change all the signs around the university... to Korean.
23. Take a course with Malcolm Murray - this isn't intended to be funny, he just rules.
24. Join SU, or complain about the SU. This is not a false dichotomy.
25. Go to the Wave, if only to pick up.
26. Go to the library, if only to pick up.
27. Start petitions, raise awareness for important UPEI issues. For example, Mickey's is only open till like, 4, and often, I need coffees after 4.
28. Mourn the lack of good-looking TAs. Petition to open grad schools here.
29. Creatively conspire with your friends sweet stories to tell your 'off-island' friends about how swell UPEI is when they get home for holidays. Boy, will they be sorry!
30. Eat your parents' free food for as long as possible. Independence is fine, sure, but moms sure make sweet suppers. And they usually aren't made of toast, or Kraft dinner.
31. Write for the Cadre, or at least say you're going to write for the Cadre... there's no discernible difference. (ha ha! Just joking! Lucus, let's be friends!)
32. Write a Global Issues paper on the Essentiality of English 101. Write it really poorly.***
33. Get to your classroom a half hour before class. Rig the projector so that when it's turned on, Rock Band is being projected. Conveniently have all the instruments on hand. It helps to know your professors favorite band.
34. Go the the VU once.
35. I said once.
36. Woo your lover with songs specific to his or her major, such as, 'My Love for you is Greater than Jean Chretien’s First Majority Government’ or, ‘I Love You So Much that it Induces Nausea, but Not the Sartre Kind’.
37. If not of the athletic persuasion, at least use your gym pass to play ping pong between classes.
38. NURSES: During clinical, place a live goldfish in one of the IV bags.
39.Fix the vending machine in the basement of Main, please. Anyone. This is really important.
40.Go to Children’s lit dressed up as one of the characters you’re studying.
41. Give Justin Douglas a hug.
42. Go to the internet, find a picture of your prof. Print off a mask of their face for everyone in your class.  Wear it every day until the end of semester.
43. Recreate the menstrual turkey scene from Eraserhead every day in the cafeteria. Get a friend to have the fake orgasms.


*The Semantic does not discriminate against minorities, we promise! We have all sorts of friends who are and stuff! . . .But give money to cystic fibrosis, or at least to Patrick Callbeck, 'cause he is a hottie.
** Unless you throw shit at your prof, which would likely be hilarious, but probably not met by applause.
*** This does not reflect the view of The Semantic, though it certainly is the view of the editor-in-chief.